1 in 4 pregnancies end due to miscarriage. However, the fact that it affects many does not lessen the fact that it can be horrible, sad and crisis-like for those involved. Emotions need to be processed and it can take time. Do you want to support a friend who suffered a miscarriage? Good, she needs you!

Your friend has not just lost her pregnancy, but a child and a whole future that was never meant to be. For some, it’s easy to refocus and let go of what happened, but for others, wonderful dreams of the future suddenly give way to fear, doubt, guilt and loneliness. Below we have collected some tips for you on how you can be supportive and help your friend through a tough period in their life. She will need you.

Common feelings survivors of miscarriage
It is important to know that your friend probably is probably experiencing a storm of emotions. They can change over time, and come and go. From feeling that everything will be fine to being overcome by total grief. What we feel and how we react is individual, but here are some common feelings after a miscarriage:

– Grief
– Indifference
– Shock
– Relief
– Guilt
– Impatience
– Fear
– Anger
– Loneliness

Listen, Empathise, Affirm
Is your friend clear about what support they need from you? Great! Accept it gratefully and try to be there in the way they want. The opposite is probably more common as it is difficult to know and articulate what support you need during a crisis. Imagine being in her shoes as she tries to describe what she needs. That your role now is to make her feel safe, seen and understood.

Specifically, you can:
– Tell her you’re always there when she needs you
– Ask if she knows how she wants you to support her
– Listen, listen, listen – if she wants to talk
– Check in regularly, even if she doesn’t get back to you
– Tell her you don’t expect anything in return from her
– Confirm that you understand that it’s difficult for her, for example by saying

“I’m sorry this happened to you”
“I know how much this child meant to you”
“I know you must be feeling terrible right now”

Pitfalls
Being a friend to someone is unwell is difficult. You probably want to both cheer her up and protect her from things you think might be difficult. Despite good intentions, however, it can go very wrong. For example, trying to protect her by not inviting her to child-related events, such as a baby shower or a dinner where pregnant friends are there. It’s true that it will probably trigger difficult emotions for your friend, but being excluded because of the trouble she’s going through is even worse. Instead, keep inviting them, but say that you understand that it may be difficult and that they can decide for themselves whether they want to come or not.

It is also common that we want to cheer up someone who is feeling upset, for example by saying something that can be seen as positive about the fact that there was a miscarriage. We would advise against this. For the person affected, there is nothing positive about the situation, and the benevolent positivity can easily be perceived as you not understanding her and the situation in which she finds herself.

For example, avoid saying these things
– Miscarriage is very common; it’s nothing to worry about.
– It was simply not meant to be.
– Great, at least now you know you can get pregnant.
– There was probably something wrong with the baby.
– It’s good it happened now and not later in the pregnancy.
– It’s not the end of the world, you already have x children.

Supporting a person going through a miscarriage is difficult and tricky, but try to remember that your friend’s feelings are the focus and that they need to be allowed to be exactly who they are. Be patient and let them grieve at their own pace.